


Intrusive Thoughts

by lorenzobane



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Except not well...., Good Boyfriend Alec, Introspection, M/M, Magnus is trying to cope!, POV character with depression, Suicidal Thoughts, also, canon character with depression, loss of magic, writer with mental illness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-16
Updated: 2019-01-16
Packaged: 2019-10-11 01:28:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17437304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lorenzobane/pseuds/lorenzobane
Summary: “Anyway, that is enough about my day. What have you been up to?”And Magnus has no answer.  Or, rather, the answer is that he woke up at two in the afternoon, after staring at his phone until four AM. Still, he isn’t Magnus Bane for nothing, and he’ll be damned if he comes across as pathetic. Even to Alec. Especially to Alec.“Oh you know, Alexander,” he begins, starting to spin a tale, “I used to be so reliant on my portals it seems I hardly know the city anymore. So, I took myself on a jaunt and there really is so much to see. And as it happened, I passed by the admissions office of NYU. Perhaps I could take some classes? It’s been decades since I was last a student and I find I miss it.”Or: Magnus is depressed, coping in deeply unhelpful ways





	Intrusive Thoughts

If there is one thing that Magnus is adept at, it is hiding his depression. He’s a pro, a useless skill, but one he’s spent centuries cultivating. He can occasionally be so good at masking it, that he can even hide it from himself.

He doesn’t immediately notice that it is what he’s doing.

He doesn’t immediately notice the way he wakes up, the way he showers and gets dressed and pretends he has plans while Alexander leaves for work, only to take all of his clothes off and lie down naked in his bed until 6 PM, unmoving, getting Thai food delivered to his apartment.

He gets rid of the evidence in a trash can down the street.

He doesn’t even notice it when he starts drinking heavily as soon as he wakes up, he ignores the way he brushes his teeth before anyone speaks to him. He removes the whiskey bottles in recycling before Alec can even notice that he’s replaced them with new ones.

He can’t notice, he’s too busy debating himself furiously. Focusing almost completely on the only question that has been haunting his mind recently, _what is next for the_ _Great Magnus Bane_?

The first time he does notices what he’s doing is when he’s at dinner with Alec- and Alec asks what he’s done all day.

They are sitting at a restaurant table, Magnus got them reservations at _Blue Hill,_ and Alec looks completely guileless as he simply says, “Anyway, that is enough about my day. What have you been up to?”

And Magnus has no answer.  Or, rather, the answer is that he woke up at two in the afternoon, after staring at his phone until four AM. Still, he isn’t Magnus Bane for nothing, and he’ll be damned if he comes across as pathetic. Even to Alec. Especially to Alec.

“Oh you know, Alexander,” he begins, starting to spin a tale, “I used to be so reliant on my portals it seems I hardly know the city anymore. So, I took myself on a jaunt and there really is so much to see. And as it happened, I passed by the admissions office of NYU. Perhaps I could take some classes? It’s been decades since I was last a student and I find I miss it.”

Alec looks a bit too relieved, but he nods eagerly, “Yes. You absolutely should. What are you thinking about taking?”

Magnus internally wipes sweat from his brow and takes another bite of the dish in front of him, before answering, “I used to be quite up to date on modern technology but over the last twenty-odd years there has been some incredible change. I think it would be nice to take a computer programing class, perhaps?”

Alec nods, “That’s a great idea. And I’m happy to help. I took a couple of classes on Institute Programming when I was at the Academy. I’m sure it’s different but still.”

Magnus is grateful, now at least he has a cover for a pretty significant amount of time. Two days later, he even does actually print out some information about part-time classes and auditing and places it firmly where Alec can see. Occasionally ruffling them or writing random notes so it appears he is making progress though he has not read a single word.

Alec glances at the paper approvingly every time he comes to pick him up or hang out, and Magnus could not be more grateful to his past self for not letting Alec move in with him. It would have been impossible to hide.

Some of that changes when he finds a spot. He is walking around New York aimlessly when he finds himself in a quiet part of the city. There is a tall abandoned building right on the water’s edge and it is absolutely silent. He takes a moment to think about it before he walks in, climbs the stairs and arrives at the top.

The view is a dismal type of beautiful. He’s near abandoned factories and the area seems overall more grey than the rest of the city. The water is the color of steel and when he glances to his left he sees another building, quite like the one he’s standing on, with broken windows.

He steps to the edge of the roof, there is a thin metal beam that runs a few inches above his head surrounding the edge of the building. He grabs it and leans. The building was built directly on the water’s edge, if he were to jump, he would land directly in the frigid water. And at this height, if he jumped he would certainly die on impact.

_So, maybe you should just jump._

Magnus takes a deep breath because he knows this line of thinking well.

 _No. Because, despite it all, there is still something left there for me._ He pushes back on himself because he always has.

 _Don’t be such a liar. You have the chance now to take your life into your own hands. You’ve been a pussy your entire goddamn life. Your father defined your youth, he defined your career as a Warlock, and now you’re going to let him define your death. Jump. Take some fucking initiative for the first time in your pathetic, worthless life._ The voice is snide and sounds just like himself. He hates this part of himself, needlessly, internally cruel.

_Or maybe, you’re irrational and despite all of it, I would still rather see where life takes me._

_Uh-huh. Liar, you’re just whipped. You don’t want him to cry, so you won’t do this one stupid thing for yourself. It is what makes you pathetic on a level I am sure very few could compete with. You’re going to let yourself age into weakness and oblivion, instead of taking control of the one thing you actually have control over._

Magnus clutches at the cold metal bar harder, before pushing back, _I’m here for myself._

He can practically hear the voice in his head laugh, _Please don’t lie to yourself, its stupid. I am you, you’re having this discussion with yourself, you absolute lunatic. I know that half the days you wake up and you only smile because of the man in your bed. Pathetic._

 _Stop. I know you’re me, but I also know that I’m more than what I lost. People lose vision and limbs all the time and keep living. I can do that. I’m stronger than this._ He sounds less sure of himself now though, even in his own head.

_Don’t make me laugh. That would imply that you were something else before you lost your magic. Your whole life was defined by magic. From your childhood to adulthood, every action you made was made through the lens of magic. You are nothing without it and you know it._

Magnus takes a  deep shuddering breath, the pain of that truth stings deeper than he’s willing to admit. He knows he won’t be able to take more of this.

_Stop. Please stop. Please._

The voice goes silent for a moment, before echoing in his head, _Not until you fucking jump._

“I’m going to kill myself,” Magnus says out loud, overwhelmed by his brain. Oddly saying it out loud soothes him, reminds him that he actually isn’t going to jump. It quiets his brain for a moment.

 “I’m going to kill myself,” he says again, a whisper this time between him and the river. Then, holding the metal bar tightly, he leans as far as he can without actually falling, and the fear and weightlessness clear his head.

He feels amazing.

For the first time since he lost his magic, he feels something like that. In the mixture of adrenalin and fear of falling, he can taste the magic on his tongue. 

Reluctantly, he pulls back, takes three deep breaths, and turns away. His hands are cold and slightly blistered with how hard he held the metal, but for the first time in days, the voice in his head is silent.

He becomes addicted to it. He can admit that to himself, he never tells anyone where he is going or what he does with his days, but people stop asking.

Perhaps its because he seems noticeably lighter. He feels more able to be himself when he knows that if he really wanted to, it can end at any moment.

The intrusive thoughts get worse though, as he gets up to get a drink he’ll find himself muttering under his breath as he pours, “I’m going to kill myself.”

While he’s in the shower alone.

When he’s walking and no one is around.

Magnus reminds himself that he is absolutely fine, nothing is wrong. He’s just found a way to cope with what he’s feeling. He tells himself that he’s simply being proactive when he meets with the lawyer about his Will. He tells himself that he’s just thinking ahead, while he carefully manages all of the deeds to his various properties and divides them among his loved ones.

He debates some but ultimately decides to write in Alexander, just in case. He leaves Alec some of their favorite vacation properties while giving the rest to Madzie, Caterina, Raphael, and other warlocks he has met, known and loved.

He spares a thought for the possibility, how very sad Alexander would be but how eventually he would move on and learn to see those properties and the wealth as a reminder of Magnus’s love, not of his untimely death.

Oddly, what he feels most is pride. A pride that no one has noticed, that he has maintained his facade and his reputation.

And when--

 _If_ Magnus stubbornly corrects himself, _if_ he decides to jump, people will assume it was a tragic accident. He must have fallen, tripped somehow, hit his head, drowned in the river, it could have happened to anyone.

Magnus reminds himself of that when he goes back to his spot and places his hands on the cold metal before leaning over, letting his toes dangle off the edge.

He’s so lost in his thoughts, so pleased with his own knowledge that he can let go at any time. He can let go any time he wants, and he’s the only one that gets to decide, that he doesn’t hear footsteps coming up behind him.

He does notice when a strong firm arm wraps around his waist and pulls him firmly back onto the concrete roof.

Magnus blinks up in surprise, “Alexander? What are you doing here?”

Alec is shaking, trembling head to toe, “That isn’t your question, Magnus. That is not your question, right now. What the hell are you doing?” 

“I…” Think, quickly Magnus, “That is how I meditate. I like to come up here and meditate.”

Nailed it.

Alec stares at him, his eyes are wide with shock and hurt. Still, Magnus doesn’t really know how to explain exactly what he’s doing, and it's not technically a lie. It’s the closest he gets to any type of peace of mind these days. It is the only thing that cuts through the thick, endless numbness that he feels.

“How did you find me, anyway?” Magnus asks, brushing imaginary dirt off slacks as he stands up.

Alec closes his eyes, “I was worried. I got a call from your lawyer at work three days ago, asking me to sign some paperwork as your beneficiary. Then yesterday, as you were brushing your teeth, you just muttered ‘I’m going to kill myself,’ under your breath. So I decided I would check out where you’re going, just to make sure you’re okay. How often do you come here?”

Magnus sighs, “I don’t think you want the answer to that.”

“Well?” Alec asks, his voice thick with fear and pain, “Are you going to kill yourself?” 

Magnus chuckles, “No! I mean, it’s not like that, Alexander. Sometimes, it just makes me feel better to know that I could kill myself, not that I will. I just stand there and imagine how nice it would be to let go, and then I go back home. I’ve been much happier, I’m finally starting to cope.”

Alec looks at him with disbelief, “This is coping? Are you hearing yourself?”

Magnus turns away and stares at the water again, “when I do that… When I’m half a centimeter from death… I feel like myself, I swear when I do this it feels like I have my magic back.”

Alec takes a sharp inhaling breath. “Magnus, Magnus… I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry about your magic, but I can’t let you do this.”

“Let me do what?” Magnus asks. “I’m not actually doing anything, I just come and stand here.”

“Do you know how close you are? One misstep, if the bar comes loose if the edge of this crappy building fails, you’ll die.”

Magnus shrugs, he knows that, but then it won’t be his fault. He’ll be at the whim of circumstance. “I could get hit by a bus tomorrow. What’s your point?”

Alec runs his hands through his hair and Magnus notices now that he looks frustrated. So he steps in, “Listen, Alexander. I’m sorry if I am worrying you or upsetting you.”

“This isn’t about me!” He explodes, “The problem is your absolute ambivalence about whether or not you live or die.”

Magnus simply raises an eyebrow, “You didn’t mind that ambivalence when I went to Edom.”

Alec rears back as if slapped, “That’s not… That’s not the same thing.”

“Listen, Alec, I’m not going to stop coming here. I need it. It’s the only thing about my life that I am in control of right now, so you’re just going to have to accept it.”

“No,” Alec replies. “I will not because if you won’t listen to me can you at least think about Caterina? Or Madzie? They’re already heartbroken over your immortality, would you really do this to them?”

“Alexander…” Magnus starts, but he’s suddenly exhausted. This conversation is more than he is willing to bear. “Let’s just go back to the loft.”

“Magnus,” Alec starts again. “I know that this is hard, but I need you. I just… I need you, I can’t live without you.”

Magnus nods, and forces a smile on his face, “That is very sweet, Alexander.”

Alec just sighs heavily at that and calls them an Uber back to the loft. When they pull in, Alec has his face set.

“You’re not living alone.”

Magnus sighs, “Alec. Please, I’m centuries old. I can take care of myself--”

“You are not living alone. It doesn’t have to be me, you can call a friend, or ask Cat and Madzie to stay for a while, or I can sleep in the hallway outside, but you’re not staying alone.”

“Alexander--”

Alec leveled him with a glare, “Just this once, just this _once,_ you are going to listen to me and not be the most stubborn person alive. And then, we’re going to have a real conversation about getting your magic back.”

Magnus opened the door to the apartment and laid down on the couch, closing his eyes against the conversation.

“The deal is done, Alexander,” his voice sounds dead even to his own ears. “This is who I am now.”

“No,” Alec is in front of him now, grabbing Magnus’s face in his giant palms. “No, because you never give up. Never. And you’ve helped everyone else, and this isn’t fair. So I am going to fix this for you, Magnus. I promise you. But I need you to hold out for me, just a little longer. Please don’t go back, I just need you to promise me that.”

Magnus smiles tiredly and thinks about that feeling, wild and free, and close to the edge. How it is the only thing that makes him feel like himself, and not just an extension of Shadowhunter drama.

Then he looks into Alec’s eyes, which are desperate. Even now, Magnus can’t bring himself to deny Alec any request.

“Okay, darling. For you, I will try my absolute best.”

Alec smiles, and presses a kiss to his forehead, “that is the most I can ask of you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! 
> 
> This fic is semi-obviously rooted in my own experience with depression, especially as a HIGHLY image oriented person. But this in no way is meant to represent everyone with Depression or everyone's experiences with it. If you, a or a loved one is struggling, especially with suicidal thoughts, seek a mental health professional. 
> 
> I didn't write Magnus going to one in this fic largely because I don't think Shadowhunters or Downworlders actually..... Have mental health services? Also, I didn't really have the time to write anything long. Whoops. 
> 
> The purpose of this fic is to create what I think would be a semi-realistic response of someone with severe depression to losing, what is essential, their entire life in one fell swoop while keeping in mind that person is also on several levels motivated by external perception. This was not meant to be any type of recommendation of how to cope with these feelings. 
> 
> Anyway! 
> 
> XOXO


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